Why I do what I do

Originally posted on October 6, 2008 on www.myspace.com/bowyer512

 

I have been asked many times over the past months why do I do what I do? Why after all that has happened this past year did I stay here? Why didn’t I go back to Washington?

After these questions are asked, I give them an explanation that is followed by people saying how admirable it is of me to take on so much after all that has happened?

I won’t lie, it has been extremely hard on me, but I can’t even imagine just up and leaving Kris’s family in their time of sorrow and confusion, plus there is the whole financial issue. I did give up a lot to come here and be with her, but life takes strange turns that are unpredictable. 

I made the move to Michigan three years ago this month following the death of my grandfather and six years of Kris and I crossing the country just to see each other.

It’s been a year ago this month that Kris was diagnosed with cancer, just a few days before her 40th birthday.

I guess the real answer to “why do you do what you do”? is why wouldn’t I? I would be a lesser man if I just got up and walked away. Someone very close to me said the other day that I was a saint? I told her no, no I’m just a man that loves to love, and that is what this is all about.

I loved Kris and always will love her. I did make some promises to her that she said she didn’t expect me to keep, but I told her I would do my best. She made me promise that I would find someone and be happy since I deserved to be as happy as she was with me coming into her life. She also said that I was the most loving man she ever met? She asked that I make sure the kids were taken care of and get through school. She also asked me to help her mother.

Kris always told me that she could not live without her mom and that she would die if her mom died. She also told me that her mom promised her that she would live forever when she was a kid, following scary dreams about nuclear war. I always thought this was silly, but now I believe something in Kristine’s soul made her aware that she would not be around?

I’m not a very religious man, but I do believe this was my purpose for meeting her and moving here? I think this was a plan set forth long ago when Kris and I first met online in 1998. Be it the great cosmic joke on me or God’s plan, I do believe this was the way my life was to be.

Since moving here I have met several people that I can truly call my friends, and all of them have helped me my through sadness and grief. I just want to say I will be sad for some time, but I deserve to be happy and carry on. I will not be the “grieving widow” and I will be happy! Kris wanted it for me and I most definitely want it for me.

With that I move on! My life is one of emptiness along with renewal. I have changed my views on life and look at it as a special gift that I must live to its fullest. I was taught by a very wise woman several years ago that love will prevail and that I need to be trusting of people and myself.

This helps me do what I do.